Stop Should-ing On Yourself

I have been amazed by how much of the stress in my life has been caused by “shoulds”.

My “shoulds” show up as beliefs about what I should have achieved by this stage of my life, and ideas about what I should be doing right now. I should be more organized, spend more time with my aging mother, be a better friend, accomplish more each day. The list goes on and on.

Some of the “shoulds” are voices of others that, over the years, I have internalized. Others are ideas that I have grasped onto about what I want my life to be, or what I think is best for me.

How much do “shoulds” affect your life? Do they impact how you feel about yourself and what is happening in this very moment? As you sit there reading this, is there a part of you that is already saying that you should be working instead?

Notice when “shoulds” show up for you, and when they do, begin to ask yourself the following questions:

  • What is the “should” doing to me?
  • Is believing it helping me to be happy in this moment?
  • Is it allowing me to be open to what life brings?
  • Is the “should” really true anyhow?

Years ago, I read a book called Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. I find Katie’s insights and strategies for dealing with unsupportive thoughts helpful. If “shoulds” show up in your life, I recommend giving it a read.

May you find the space in your life to let go of “shoulds” and find the beauty in this moment, just as it is.

I began coaching back in 2002, after letting go of all the shoulds in my life and reflecting on questions such as:

  • What really really matters to me?
  • What inspires and excites me?
  • How do I want to live my life?
  • What do I want to see more of  in the world?
  • What would it take for me to be more of what I want to see more of?

Here’s a poem that I wrote when I was engaged in that process of reflection, inquiry and personal development:

TRAVELS THROUGH LIFE

How strange it is, this journey through life
Decisions we make, affect the path our lives take
Where to live, work, play,
Places we go, people we meet
Lives we touch, intended or not
For the better we hope, at least for our sake.

I have heeded wanderlust,
Set off alone, traveled afar of late
Seen sun set and rise over distant lands
Watched in wonder, the beauty of Mother Earth
Heard stories told by those with lives
Vastly different yet somehow the same as mine
All of us looking, longing, aching to be
Acknowledged, appreciated, accepted
Simply and exactly as we are.

When my travels came to an end,
I finally stopped, for the first time in my life
To really make time for the journey inside
What is it that matters most to me?
Once “shoulds” fall silent, who am I?
How do I want to live my life?
I learned to trust books, trust what others say
The voice from within grew timid over time
Long forgotten the need to be gentle and loving with me.

Understanding … remembering …
Being human means making mistakes
I’m enough just as I am; it’s okay to have needs
Sensitive isn’t weak, rather strong enough to expose my cracks
What is it, really, that I need?
Be true to me, the only one I truly know how to be.

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