Strengths Archives - Unleashing the Wise Heart of Leadership

I see so many people beating themselves up, it makes me crazy. I’ve done plenty of that myself, so I consider myself an expert in self-judgment. By necessity and because of an ache deep within me, I have also spent years investigating and studying what gets in the way of people accepting, honoring and loving themselves, and learning how to cultivate self-love.

Self-love is accepting and embracing and having compassion for and honoring and being all of who you are. It brings openness and authenticity and elicits behaviors that support self-care. In fully loving yourself, you can be your full self. As Mary Oliver puts it in her poem, Wild Geese, you “allow the soft animal of your body to love what it loves”.

There’s a “relaxing into” that shows up when you let go of any notion that you should be someone else, that who you already are somehow isn’t enough, that you aren’t completely lovable, that you aren’t already amazing. As a Chinese Proverb says: “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

What beliefs do you need to let go of in order to stop blocking yourself from loving yourself and being yourself and doing what you love?

Do you tell yourself:

I’m not ____ enough (not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough … you get the idea)
If I say “no” to things that I don’t really want to do, the people I love will stop loving me
I have to ______ (take care of everyone else, make sure everyone else is happy, sacrifice for my children, work all weekend … again, you get the idea)
I should…
If I don’t do what everyone else is doing, I won’t fit in and will wind up all alone
If I take care of myself, people with judge me and think I’m selfish
If I do what I really love, I’ll never be able to support myself financially

Who told you it isn’t okay for you to be kind & compassionate & loving toward yourself?
Who told you that you aren’t amazing exactly as you are?

And why in the world did you believe them?

The truth is that you deserve your love and your care as much as anybody else. Self-Love ≠ Selfish. And the only way you can really show up with love for the people you love, with insights and creativity at work, and as your best self in the world, is by being loving toward yourself.

Heed the wise words of Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield: “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

How can you begin to love yourself?

Let go of any beliefs that compromise your ability to love yourself. Just realize that those beliefs aren’t serving you, and you no longer need them.
Turn toward yourself. Remember to breathe deeply. Pay attention to how you are feeling throughout the day.
Tell yourself that you are loved beyond measure and cherished, dearly.

If everyone in the world were really fully loving themselves, then everyone in the world would fall in love with you too. That’s the natural outcome of self-love.

Book on the beach

Napoleon Hill’s work and his book, Think and Grow Rich, have influenced many people within the personal development field. The basic premise is that our focus needs to be on being the type of person to whom whatever it is we are seeking naturally flows. To be successful, we must be willing to dream and pursue our dreams, with a burning desire and unwavering commitment, even in the face of adversity and failure.
What is even more compelling than Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich, though, is his book, The Laws of Success, in which he outlines Fifteen Laws of Success. These are:

A Definite Chief Aim — a clearly defined thing you want with burning desire to accomplish or achieve or bring to the world. Hill writes, “There is some one thing that you can do better than anyone else in the world could do it. Search until you find out what this particular line of endeavor is, make it the object of your definite chief aim and them organize all your forces and attack it with the belief that you are going to win.”
Self-Confidence — In its most simple form, this is seeing the best in yourself and believing in yourself.
The Habit of Saving — Develop the habit of saving 20% of everything you earn
Initiative and Leadership — Do that which out to be done without being told to do it, develop the habit of initiative by taking some definite action each day that will carry you nearer your definite chief aim. Leadership is based on knowing your employees, knowing your business, and knowing yourself.
Imagination — Imagination is necessary to create a vision of something not yet created or present.
Enthusiasm — An enthusiastic state of mind will bring energy and momentum to what you are doing. “It is the vital force that impels action.” For more, see video 8 below.
Self-Control — Self-control is what “directs your action so that it will build up and not tear down.” Self-control is the result of thought-control, of deliberately and persistently directing your thoughts and energy in productive, supportive directions. See video 6 below for more on this.
Habit of Doing More Than Paid For — This is the habit of performing more service and better service that that for which you are paid. Think Zappos! here. As Tony Hsieh and the gang at Zappos! found, by doing more than what you are paid for, you are planting seeds that will eventually bear fruit. See video 3 below.
Pleasing Personality — This is described in detail in video 5 below.
Accurate Thought — This is the principle of seeing things as they are, and investigating rather than categorically believing all your thoughts. It requires the ability to distinguish facts from interpretation. See video 12 below.
Concentration — “The act of focusing the mind upon a given desire until ways and means for its realization have been worked out and successfully put into operation.”
Co-operation — Cooperation is what drives organized effort.
Failure — Hill says that what we term “failure” is often more accurately described as “temporary defeat”. He goes on to say that “sound character is usually the handiwork of reverses, and setbacks, and temporary defeat.” So embrace it rather than fearing it!
Tolerance — Tolerance is the path to developing positive and effective relationships with others, building bridges and furthering our world toward a state of peace.
The Golden Rule — This is the “guiding star” of the Laws of Success. Because you reap what you sow, treat others as you wish they would treat you, were the situation reversed.