I love the feeling I get when I help people. You know, that sweet feeling of being connected to someone and feeling like you’re making a difference all wrapped into one? I watched my mom through years of tireless volunteer work helping Armenian refugees get settled in LA, and aspired to touch people’s lives and help others like she had. And throughout my life, I’ve experienced time and again the joy of giving, of being there for others, of helping people in need.

There were times — probably more often than I really care to admit — when I gave not just for the sake of giving, but also because I was looking, hoping, trying, to elicit something in return. I gave because I wanted her to appreciate me, or because I wanted to feel like I mattered to him. There were strings attached. And when I didn’t get the response that I was trying to elicit, I felt frustrated. I even judged the people to whom I had given or whom I had helped by thinking or saying they were ungrateful. I also felt disappointed with myself, and regretted having spent my precious time or energy doing what I did rather than something that would have been more fun or beneficial for me. I had sacrificed, for no good reason!

The truth is, there was no good reason for giving in that way. I was doing a disservice to everyone involved. To myself and to the people to whom I gave. And so I stopped. I didn’t stop giving, but I stopped giving in that way. And it’s made my life a lot happier and my relationships with others a lot cleaner.

Now when someone asks for my help or when I feel the desire to do something for or give something to someone, I pause for a moment to check in with myself. I ask:

• Is this something I want to do/give?
• Can I give it freely – with NO expectation or even desire to get anything in return?

If the answer to those questions is “yes”, then away I go! If the answer to either question is “no” then I remind myself that it wouldn’t be in anyone’s interest for me to do or give it. And I give myself permission to say no or not give without feeling guilty.

I worried when I decided to begin doing this, that I would give less, be less generous. What I find, though, is that most of the time, I’m as eager and willing to give as ever. Maybe even more so. Perhaps it’s because it feels so incredibly good to be able to give without attaching strings!