Self-Love ≠ Selfish

I see so many people beating themselves up, it makes me crazy. I’ve done plenty of that myself, so I consider myself an expert in self-judgment. By necessity and because of an ache deep within me, I have also spent years investigating and studying what gets in the way of people accepting, honoring and loving themselves, and learning how to cultivate self-love.

Self-love is accepting and embracing and having compassion for and honoring and being all of who you are. It brings openness and authenticity and elicits behaviors that support self-care. In fully loving yourself, you can be your full self. As Mary Oliver puts it in her poem, Wild Geese, you “allow the soft animal of your body to love what it loves”.

There’s a “relaxing into” that shows up when you let go of any notion that you should be someone else, that who you already are somehow isn’t enough, that you aren’t completely lovable, that you aren’t already amazing. As a Chinese Proverb says: “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

What beliefs do you need to let go of in order to stop blocking yourself from loving yourself and being yourself and doing what you love?

 

Do you tell yourself:
  • I’m not ____ enough (not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough … you get the idea)
  • If I say “no” to things that I don’t really want to do, the people I love will stop loving me
  • I have to ______ (take care of everyone else, make sure everyone else is happy, sacrifice for my children, work all weekend … again, you get the idea)
  • I should…
  • If I don’t do what everyone else is doing, I won’t fit in and will wind up all alone
  • If I take care of myself, people with judge me and think I’m selfish
  • If I do what I really love, I’ll never be able to support myself financially
Who told you it isn’t okay for you to be kind & compassionate & loving toward yourself?
Who told you that you aren’t amazing exactly as you are?

 

And why in the world did you believe them? 

 

The truth is that you deserve your love and your care as much as anybody else. Self-Love ≠ Selfish. And the only way you can really show up with love for the people you love, with insights and creativity at work, and as your best self in the world, is by being loving toward yourself. 

 

Heed the wise words of Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield: “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

 

How can you begin to love yourself?
  1. Let go of any beliefs that compromise your ability to love yourself. Just realize that those beliefs aren’t serving you, and you no longer need them.
  2. Turn toward yourself. Remember to breathe deeply. Pay attention to how you are feeling throughout the day.
  3. Tell yourself that you are loved beyond measure and cherished, dearly.

If everyone in the world were really fully loving themselves, then everyone in the world would fall in love with you too. That’s the natural outcome of self-love.

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