The night before last, I got a phone call from someone in response to a posting I had placed on craigslist to sell my 17″ MacBook Pro. As it happened, I was driving from SF to Southern CA, and I had the laptop with me. I asked him (he said his name was Jeff) if he wanted to meet to see the laptop and decide if he wanted to buy it. At my suggestion, we met at a Starbucks in Pasadena, and we spent 30 minutes chatting as he checked out the laptop, told me he wanted to buy it, and paid me in cash.

The next morning, at the grocery store, and was told by the woman at the cash register that the $100 bill I gave her looked counterfeit. I called Jeff’s cell phone and got a message saying that his mailbox was full.

I noticed the flurry of thoughts that went through my mind:

• Why didn’t I go ask the clerk at Starbucks to check the bills? I should have been more careful.
• How could something like this happen without my having any clue that something was amiss? After all, I spent 30 minutes chatting with the guy.
• Why would someone choose to take advantage of other people? Particularly after meeting them and seeing that they are kind and genuinely interested in them?

I took all the bills he had given me to my bank to ask if they could check the bills to see if they were valid. The bills ran through their money counter machine, but on closer inspection they could see that all 12 $100 bills were actually counterfeit. They showed me how they knew they were counterfeit, and said that they were really good fakes.

Of course, I felt angry that “Jeff” had cheated me and stolen my laptop. My male friends seem to think that I wasn’t as angry as a guy would have been in the same situation. I’m not sure about that. All I know is that I can’t change what happened.

Once something has happened, there is no point in wishing it hadn’t.

Wishing the past was different is insanity. It’s fighting what is true. We cannot change events that have happened. What then, can we do?

1. Accept what has happened – Whatever the situation, we can’t productively respond to it until we accept that it is what it is. Once I was told by my bank that all the bills were counterfeit, I accepted that he had stolen my laptop. That’s not the same as condoning the behavior of the guy who told me his name was Jeff. I think it’s awful that he chose to rip me off. But the reality is that he did. I can’t do anything to change that — or to change him. Wanting or trying to change someone else is always a losing proposition. If they change or they don’t, that’s their business (and their responsibility). And beating myself up for not having done something differently isn’t helpful either. More on that below.
2. Think about what to do, given that the situation is what it is – Once I accepted the situation, I could think more clearly about what actions I needed to take.. I looked up the serial number of my laptop. I called the police. I filed a report. I turned in the counterfeit bills, so they are now out of circulation. Hopefully life will present situations that help “Jeff” learn different values. Maybe it will come in the form of the police tracking him down based on the information I provided them. Maybe I’ll even get my laptop back. I’m not holding my breath for that, but I have done what I can do.
3. Ask yourself what you can learn from the situation – I encourage my coaching clients to give their direct reports feed-forward instead of feedback. It’s the difference between saying, “You should have done that differently.” and saying “Next time around, think about doing it this way.” It’s frustrating to be told that you should have done something differently, isn’t it? That’s because there’s no way to change what you have already done. Focusing on taking corrective action or deciding how to do things differently going forward is a better tack to take. The same holds true for inner dialogue. Judgments may very well show up on their own. They did for me in the flurry of thoughts I mentioned above. The thing is, I get to choose whether to stay in that place of beating myself up, or move into a more productive mode of deciding what I will do differently from now on. I now know much better how to identify a counterfeit bill. I will more carefully check bills I receive. If I’m not sure about a bill, I’ll find a way to have it checked before I hand over what I am selling.
4. Let go and move on – This is a crucial step. And it’s one that many people fail to take. It causes people stay angry or sad long after their physiological response to the event has passed. The reason we continue to harbor negative feelings or hold grudges, is because we tell ourselves a negative story, and we continue to replay the story in our mind. By continuing to think about it, we continue to stoke the fire of whatever emotion that story elicits. It’s totally unnecessary and completely changeable. All you need to do is notice what you are thinking, and actively choose to either change your story or simply think about something else. If you are a parent, you no doubt already do this successfully with your children. Begin doing it with your own inner dialogue. Try it out. And let me know how it works for you.