Category Archives: Gratitude

Honoring Life

My mom is 90 years old, and she is in the process of dying. Her body is weakening, she has lost most of her interest in food, she spends a lot of time sleeping, and her breathing has become more shallow. I don’t know how much longer she’ll live.

I love my mom. I have been grieving her death for the past several months, since I began to really acknowledge and accept how severe her Alzheimer’s has gotten, and that so much of what made her such an amazing force in my life — her internal strength and resilience, her strong work ethic and commitment to make a difference in the world, her passion for helping people in need, the joy she got from taking care of the people she loved — is no longer apparent in the woman she is today. This is the woman who took my dad coffee in bed every morning during the 48 years that they were married until my dad passed away in 2006. She is the one who used to put my school uniform in front of the forced-air heating vent every morning when I got up and got into the shower after discovering how much I loved and delighted in putting on something that felt warm like a good embrace before heading off to school. Even as a high school student, I recall being in awe of how many people randomly approached me to tell me what a difference my mom had made in their lives. She spent countless hours for decades doing volunteer work to help Armenian refugees get settled in Southern CA. These people, and others who she willingly opened her heart and extended a helping hand to, told me that they would never be where they were if it weren’t for my mom. She had stepped in to help them when they felt scared and overwhelmed and were grieving the loss of everything that was familiar to them and she supported them to feel safe and comfortable. I vividly remember thinking that if anywhere near the number of people whose lives my mom had touched could say something similar about me, I would feel like my life had been well-lived. She inspired me and supported me and loved me with every fiber of her being — even though I wasn’t born from her womb.

I remember when her mother’s Alzheimer’s got so bad that she didn’t recognize my mom (who visited her daily) when she was standing right in front of her. As my mom’s Alzheimer’s has progressed, I have been thankful every time I called her on the phone or showed up at her door and she recognized my voice or my face. At the same time, spending time with her is like interacting with the shadow of who she used to be. She asks the same question repeatedly, only moments after I finish answering it. At least, I used to think, she’s physically healthy. And even if she doesn’t remember what just happened, or even the names of her sister’s children, at least she is able to be present, here and now. Both those things are no longer true.

Now, she is present for short glimpses, and then just seems to disappear into a fog or some faraway place. It breaks my heart to watch her body shutting down now, much as her memory has shut down progressively over the past few years. I feel at a loss of what to do to help her passing be peaceful and easy. There are moments when I am so overcome with grief and sorrow that it is all I can do to be with my own feelings of sadness and even anger and frustration. I want to drop everything and stay by her side until she dies, whenever that may be. And yet I keep hearing her voice echoing in my head from conversations through the years during which she repeatedly told me, “I don’t want to be a burden on you. I want you to live your own life and do what you need and want to do for yourself. Please don’t worry about me.” She must’ve spoken the word “burden” more than a hundred times.

So, as the tears subside, I stop to ask myself, “How can I best love and honor my mom? Really, how can I best honor and love her?” Should I stay by her side, where I have been for the past week, and put my life on hold? The people at the facility where she is living tell me she’s doing alright. She is comfortable and being well cared for. With a deep breath, I realize that the best way to honor my mom is to honor what she has always stood for and believed in: passion, joy, love, and the strength and commitment to do what needs to be done and make a difference in the world. So I kiss her gently and tell her I’ll call her soon, knowing that she’s ever present in my thoughts and will always be in my heart. “I love you, Mom,” I tell her. “I know,” she responds, “you’re my precious girl.”

Two days later, when I call her for the umpteenth time to check in on her and tell her that I’m thinking of her and I love her, she surprises me with a moment of poignant clarity. “You sound sad.” she says, as I fight to hold back the tears I can feel welling up in me. Then she says, “Everything’s going to be okay, darling mine. Everything is going to be just fine.”

Celebrate Your Magic Moments from 2011

Do you ever find yourself marveling at how quickly time seems to pass? Does it feel for you as though you blink your eyes only to realize that the week, month, even year has just flown by?

With the holidays well underway and 2011 quickly drawing to a close, I encourage you to set aside some time to reflect. This time of year — when the days are short and the nights are long, when our bodies need more softness and even more rest, when nature models for us what it looks like to slow down and go within — is the perfect time to take stock.

This is the time when people think about New Year’s Resolutions: their intentions for the coming year. They make commitments to themselves to eat better, exercise more, create more balance in their lives, achieve the goals they have been wanting to achieve for years. There’s certainly value to living life intentionally, to making choices and taking action by design rather than default. But before you engage in looking ahead to what’s next, do yourself the favor of looking back for a moment at what has been.

What from the past year are you most proud of?
Which moments filled you with joy that was so exhilarating that it flowed out of you in tears of laughter or giggles of delight?
What decisions that you made helped you to feel even more fabulous about who you already are?
Who was really there for you when you needed support?
When did you let loose and allow yourself to be fully yourself?
How did you show up when the people you love really needed you?

What were the most magical moments for you in 2011?

My experience and therefore my guess is that as you begin to write about the special moments, you will remember more and more of them. We all have them, it’s just that we often turn our focus to what’s wrong instead of what’s right, what needs to be fixed instead of what is working, what we wish were different rather than what we love exactly as it is.

As you begin your list, I thought I would share with you a small portion of mine. I share this partly because I believe the world would be a better place if we all celebrated the beautiful things about our lives more openly, and partly as a way to lubricate your own reflection.

Watching Alex get up and riding after providing him with some kitesurfing tips as we bobbed in the water in La Ventana.
Hearing the honesty, openness and self-awareness of the students I coach at Stanford GSB during many of our Career & Life Design group coaching sessions.
Watching the hummingbirds fly around in my backyard.
Having Niina show up to help me pack up my entire house without even asking her for the help that I really, truly needed.
Spending an entire day with Michael making unloading a truck and filling up a storage unit fun.
Seeing clearly when I realized my storage unit had been broken into that things have never mattered to me in the way that people and my health and experiences do.
Watching the sunset at Inspiration Point in Corona Del Mar with a group of people who honor the end of every single day by stopping to watch the sun drop into the sea.
Having my new neighbor, Jake, hand me a glass of wine the moment I arrived to move into my new place — even before the movers arrived to deliver my belongings.
Meeting new friends with fearless hearts that felt like old friends almost immediately in Squamish, BC.
Dancing and dancing and dancing and feeling music move my body.
Teaching my nieces and nephews how to play Settlers of Catan and Shanghai and then playing it with them and their parents again and again and again.
Playing sand volleyball in the warm sun and realizing that my body remembered skills it learned long ago and hadn’t used for years.
Walks & talks with Grace and Pamela and Lori.
Seeing Daniel bust out the dark chocolate every time I came to visit.
Being introduced to new fun music by Cassie and Meaghan and Mikey.
Getting calls from friends when they were feeling stressed, depressed or overwhelmed and knew that I would be there, not to fix anything, but to listen and be there for and with them as they found their way through whatever was troubling them.
Laughing hysterically during Tom’s speech at Stacie’s birthday celebration.
Taking the ferry and rollerblading along the boardwalk with Niina.
Kayaking in the Back Bay with Hannah and Dragon.
Feeling like I was floating the first time I danced with Shmuel.
Staying at Jane & Lester’s, and Paul’s, and Bruce & Cathy’s, and Lori & Keith’s, and Anne & Mike’s, and Carol & Mark’s and Grace & Daniel’s, and Gard & Heidi’s, and Michael’s and Niina’s and Marjorie & Andrew’s and Denise & Siggy’s and Karen’s and knowing that I am always welcome in their homes.
Bumping into old friends that I hadn’t seen in years in the most random places imaginable, and getting through those spontaneous reunions that we are all connected.
Being at Esalen to help Chip Conley and Vanda Marlow teach their Peak Leadership course.
Walking barefoot through the streets of Palo Alto on a warm fall evening.
Trying to remember the names of all of Aidan’s stuffed animals and giggling with him about them all.
Developing expertise at baking mini pies with Lori on Thanksgiving.
Falling asleep in the arms of the man I love and waking up still curled up with him.

What are the moments — big and small — that have been most magical for you this past year?

What can you do to honor and remember them?

What would your life be like if you devoted more time to reveling in the good stuff that already is?

Laws of Success

Book on the beach

Napoleon Hill’s work and his book, Think and Grow Rich, have influenced many people within the personal development field. The basic premise is that our focus needs to be on being the type of person to whom whatever it is we are seeking naturally flows. To be successful, we must be willing to dream and pursue our dreams, with a burning desire and unwavering commitment, even in the face of adversity and failure.
What is even more compelling than Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich, though, is his book, The Laws of Success, in which he outlines Fifteen Laws of Success. These are:

A Definite Chief Aim — a clearly defined thing you want with burning desire to accomplish or achieve or bring to the world. Hill writes, “There is some one thing that you can do better than anyone else in the world could do it. Search until you find out what this particular line of endeavor is, make it the object of your definite chief aim and them organize all your forces and attack it with the belief that you are going to win.”
Self-Confidence — In its most simple form, this is seeing the best in yourself and believing in yourself.
The Habit of Saving — Develop the habit of saving 20% of everything you earn
Initiative and Leadership — Do that which out to be done without being told to do it, develop the habit of initiative by taking some definite action each day that will carry you nearer your definite chief aim. Leadership is based on knowing your employees, knowing your business, and knowing yourself.
Imagination — Imagination is necessary to create a vision of something not yet created or present.
Enthusiasm — An enthusiastic state of mind will bring energy and momentum to what you are doing. “It is the vital force that impels action.” For more, see video 8 below.
Self-Control — Self-control is what “directs your action so that it will build up and not tear down.” Self-control is the result of thought-control, of deliberately and persistently directing your thoughts and energy in productive, supportive directions. See video 6 below for more on this.
Habit of Doing More Than Paid For — This is the habit of performing more service and better service that that for which you are paid. Think Zappos! here. As Tony Hsieh and the gang at Zappos! found, by doing more than what you are paid for, you are planting seeds that will eventually bear fruit. See video 3 below.
Pleasing Personality — This is described in detail in video 5 below.
Accurate Thought — This is the principle of seeing things as they are, and investigating rather than categorically believing all your thoughts. It requires the ability to distinguish facts from interpretation. See video 12 below.
Concentration — “The act of focusing the mind upon a given desire until ways and means for its realization have been worked out and successfully put into operation.”
Co-operation — Cooperation is what drives organized effort.
Failure — Hill says that what we term “failure” is often more accurately described as “temporary defeat”. He goes on to say that “sound character is usually the handiwork of reverses, and setbacks, and temporary defeat.” So embrace it rather than fearing it!
Tolerance — Tolerance is the path to developing positive and effective relationships with others, building bridges and furthering our world toward a state of peace.
The Golden Rule — This is the “guiding star” of the Laws of Success. Because you reap what you sow, treat others as you wish they would treat you, were the situation reversed.