Tag Archives: Vision

Stop Should-ing On Yourself

I have been amazed by how much of the stress in my life has been caused by “shoulds”.

My “shoulds” show up as beliefs about what I should have achieved by this stage of my life, and ideas about what I should be doing right now. I should be more organized, spend more time with my aging mother, be a better friend, accomplish more each day. The list goes on and on.

Some of the “shoulds” are voices of others that, over the years, I have internalized. Others are ideas that I have grasped onto about what I want my life to be, or what I think is best for me.

How much do “shoulds” affect your life? Do they impact how you feel about yourself and what is happening in this very moment? As you sit there reading this, is there a part of you that is already saying that you should be working instead?

Notice when “shoulds” show up for you, and when they do, begin to ask yourself the following questions:

  • What is the “should” doing to me?
  • Is believing it helping me to be happy in this moment?
  • Is it allowing me to be open to what life brings?
  • Is the “should” really true anyhow?

Years ago, I read a book called Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. I find Katie’s insights and strategies for dealing with unsupportive thoughts helpful. If “shoulds” show up in your life, I recommend giving it a read.

May you find the space in your life to let go of “shoulds” and find the beauty in this moment, just as it is.

I began coaching back in 2002, after letting go of all the shoulds in my life and reflecting on questions such as:

  • What really really matters to me?
  • What inspires and excites me?
  • How do I want to live my life?
  • What do I want to see more of  in the world?
  • What would it take for me to be more of what I want to see more of?

Here’s a poem that I wrote when I was engaged in that process of reflection, inquiry and personal development:

TRAVELS THROUGH LIFE

How strange it is, this journey through life
Decisions we make, affect the path our lives take
Where to live, work, play,
Places we go, people we meet
Lives we touch, intended or not
For the better we hope, at least for our sake.

I have heeded wanderlust,
Set off alone, traveled afar of late
Seen sun set and rise over distant lands
Watched in wonder, the beauty of Mother Earth
Heard stories told by those with lives
Vastly different yet somehow the same as mine
All of us looking, longing, aching to be
Acknowledged, appreciated, accepted
Simply and exactly as we are.

When my travels came to an end,
I finally stopped, for the first time in my life
To really make time for the journey inside
What is it that matters most to me?
Once “shoulds” fall silent, who am I?
How do I want to live my life?
I learned to trust books, trust what others say
The voice from within grew timid over time
Long forgotten the need to be gentle and loving with me.

Understanding … remembering …
Being human means making mistakes
I’m enough just as I am; it’s okay to have needs
Sensitive isn’t weak, rather strong enough to expose my cracks
What is it, really, that I need?
Be true to me, the only one I truly know how to be.

Share Button

Staying Focused

This morning as I left home to head out on a run, the fog was so dense that I could hardly see ten feet in front of me. I couldn’t see my neighbors’ houses, I couldn’t see the end of the block, and when I got to the place where there is normally a view of the Pacific Ocean, I certainly couldn’t see that big expanse of water much less the horizon far beyond it.

Have you ever had that kind of experience? Maybe on a day when the sky is so full of clouds that it appears as though there is no sun? Or on a night when the city lights are so bright that you can’t see the stars?

When you think about it rationally and logically, you know that the sun and the stars are still in the sky, and the Pacific Ocean hasn’t disappeared, but it certainly seems as though they are gone. This phenomenon can be even more powerful when it comes to your goals.

There are times when, despite your best intentions, your vision will be clouded by your emotions or your thoughts or by something that has just occurred. These are the times when you may feel derailed or hopeless or lost or despondent. They are the times when you may be at risk of slipping back into old habits, habits that aren’t serving you any more, habits that won’t get you what you really want.

Here’s what you can do to make it through these times:

  1. Be Clear About What You Want: Whether it’s a personal or a professional goal, be clear about what you want to achieve or accomplish. Be specific. Rather than saying that you want to be a better manager, set a goal to check in with your direct reports daily to ask how they are and how you can support them on their projects. Instead of stating that you want to be healthy, make the commitment to exercise at least three days per week or to stop eating sugar for the next month.
  2. Know Who Will Support You: Who in your life wants to see you achieve your goals? Maybe this is a mentor at work, or a colleague whose interests are aligned with yours. Perhaps it is a friend with a similar goal, and you can choose to support each other. Maybe it’s a family member or close friend who you know loves you and wants you to be happy and have the life you want.
  3. Enlist The Support of Others: Ask 1-3 people to support each of the goals you are focused on right now. Ask them if they would be willing to support you. Share your goals with them. Tell them exactly what you are committed to doing and why. Help them understand how important this goal is to you.
  4. Ask Your Supporters to Hold You Accountable: Knowing that you have the support of others is great. But don’t stop there. Ask your supporters to hold you accountable. Commit to checking in with them at least once a week to report on whether you’ve done what you say you are committed to doing.
  5. Stay Focused on Your Goals: By making the commitment both to yourself and to someone you care about and respect, you are more likely to stay on track and achieve your goals. At some point, though, you will hit a plateau, a moment of weakness, a day when your vision is so clouded that you cannot see the sun in the sky. When that happens, reach out to your supporters. Ask them to remind you of what you are trying to achieve and why it is so important to you, and just listen.
Share Button

What Matters Most to You?

This is a call, a challenge, a plea if you will — for all of us to step back periodically from the frenetic pace of life to reflect on the life we are living.

Ask yourself right now:

  • What is it that truly matters most to me?
  • What provides me with a sense of meaning and happiness?
  • What do I want or need?
  • What are the thoughts or beliefs that are getting in the way of me living the life I really want?

Take a moment. Even though the kids are asking for help with their homework, or the looming work deadline is causing a mad flood of all the things you still need to do to race through your mind. For just this moment, ignore the ping of the text message you just received, the thought of what you promised your husband or wife that you would do and completely forgot about that has a pull so strong that your entire body seems to want to pull itself from the chair on which you are sitting so you can take care of it and check it off your list. Just pause. Breathe.

Do you love yourself enough to create space for the things that are most important to you instead of just reacting and responding to the things that appear to be urgent?

Do you love yourself enough to create space for you?

As you allow yourself to stop and just be, with yourself, what do you notice? How does it feel? Can you feel your breath breathing you? Can you feel your heart beating and the bubbly flow of energy pulsing through your body? Do you notice the places in your body where you are holding tension, holding on to stress that is coming from somewhere outside, or even from the voices you internalized over time that tell you that you “should”  do this or that? Can you relax that part of your body – your shoulder or neck or even the knot in your gut? How would it feel to be you if you did?

The point of stopping is to turn off that autopilot that seems to take over our lives when we don’t pay attention. It can drive your car from home to the office with such ease that suddenly you find yourself pulling into a parking spot even though you spent the entire trip thinking about the conversation you had with your son or daughter or housemate the night before and you realize that you can’t even recall the drive. It is definitely useful at times — to be able to brush your teeth or fold the laundry or do the dishes without having to focus on what you are doing. It frees up mental capacity for other activities. The other thing it does, though, is allow you to easily pull yourself from the present moment and off into some memory of the past or some imaginative future. It keeps the train running smoothly along the tracks, without assessing whether the tracks are heading in the direction of your choosing.

By being clear about what matters to you, what you value, your vision for your life, even specific goals, you can set your intentions – for your personal and your professional life. Your intentions will serve as the touchstone to come back to throughout the day or week. They keep you focused. They keep you moving in the right direction, looking where you want to go.

Intention

What intention do you carry
As you journey through today?
What burns deep within
Affecting all you do and say?
Are you gentle? Unforgiving?
Impatient? Loving?  Feeling bold?
When you interact with others
What stand do you hold?
Stand for your deepest longing
Listen to that wise voice inside
You have more choice than you imagine
Of how to live your life

Share Button