It was years ago when I first read the “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. At the time, I took everything that other people said personally. I cared a lot about what others thought of me and how they responded to me. I looked to others to help me feel okay about who I am. I compared myself to others, and more importantly my own ideas of what I thought should be true about me and my life.
“The Four Agreements” helped me begin to question all the beliefs that had been influencing me and limiting what I viewed as possible.
As Don Miguel Ruiz says, “We need a great deal of courage to challenge our own beliefs. Because even if we know we didn’t choose all these beliefs, it is also true that we agreed to all of them. The agreement is so strong that even if we understand the concept of it not being true, we feel the blame, the guilt, and the shame that occur if we go against these rules.”
I had ideas that had been instilled in me by my parents, ideas I had learned in school, and from people I interacted with throughout my life. I am smart and competent and considered myself able to analyze and discern, and yet when I stopped to question my beliefs, I realized that some of them weren’t contributing to my happiness with myself and with my life.
“If we can see it is our agreements which rule our life, and we don’t like the dream of our life, we need to change our agreements.”
Ruiz suggests that we consider adopting four agreements that will help us break the grip of agreements we have made that are not serving us. These agreements are:
- BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD — Don’t judge or blame yourself or others. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
- DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY — Everyone has their own filters, their own beliefs and agreements. The way they interpret and respond to everything around them is based on the way they see the world. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
- DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS – Instead of assuming you know what anyone intended or feels or means, be curious and ask questions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
- ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST — Keep in mind that your best changes from moment to moment. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Ruiz wrote a follow-on book called The Fifth Agreement, in which he added the following agreement to the 4 listed above:
- BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN — Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.
Don’t take Ruiz’ (or my) word for it. Try it for yourself, and see what happens if you spend the next week living these agreements!
